eight weeks into my sabbatical
and i'm still the same asshole with no idea who i really am
or how to be who i want to be
for many a year i drank to be numb
'more is more' my rule of thumb
one big blur of names and faces
forgotten nights, forgotten places
drunken hazy encounters too
but i still remember you
i didn't name it at the time
i didn't want to confront the crime
i didn't think, i didn't tell
i didn't stop until i fell
now i know you did me wrong
and i know i knew it all along
now i feel the anger that i didn't then
and i think of all the other men
who think like you and take and steal
disregarding how the women feel
you probably thought you had the right
to have your way with me that night
underage girlfriend, drunk and sleeping
three weeks later there again and weeping
home test kit in my nervous grip
sixteen years old with a quivering lip
you said you'd marry me, i ran a mile
from you and the truth i'd known all the while
i decide each day if i've forgiven you yet
and some days i do, but i never forget
behind the mask
of cool and calm
it twists and burns
and yearns and churns
and thrashes like a beast
that no one can see
and what if they can't see it
writhing under my skin
can't hear it's roar
through their stethoscopes
can't prick it's hide
with their needles
can't feel it
pressing under my ribs
they'll tell me it's not there
but I know
I can feel it
with me all the time
choking my breath
stifling my heart
sucking oxygen from my brain
strength from my muscles
power from my resolve
to cast it aside
to ignore the tendrils
numbing my fingertips
inwards until all I can feel
is the monster in my chest
and the dark patches I see
grow and conquer
until all the world is black
and the silence is deafening
and I fall and I lay
until it whispers in my ear
you are mine
I'm reading Popcorn Love and I'm up to the Cora Mills Inquisition and it suddenly hit me.
My mother knew what was going on with me and my ex. We never talked about it, but come on, we couldn't hide it either - Mum was living with me at the time.
Never once did she ask what was going on.
I do deserve better, I do deserve more than being the other woman, time and fucking time again.
I feel just as... abandoned... as a sixteen year old, with my drastically older boyfriend during my rebellious denial phase. Why did my mother, of all people, not shake me and tell me I deserve real, honest love?
I woke up this morning - ridiculously early - and I feel... I feel fucking awesome. I played with my phone in bed for a while and listened to a nerdist podcast interview with JMo, then got up and was eating breakfast watching the sun rise. I have the music up loud, and this goofy-ass grin on my face, and I feel like today is a New Day. The first New Day I've had in a long time. Dunno what changed, but I feel so... happy.
Oh and I also had a dream that I was living in a share house with Snow White and Prince Charming, and the house was a freaking mess, but Snow had baked me cupcakes so it was all good. I have been watching too much Once Upon A Time...
What to do, when you intend to "work" nine to five on action plans, but then discover there are three new Once Upon A Time episodes available online?
Today is my first work-day that I'm not working after quitting my job back in January and working an extended notice period plus adding a few weeks casual on top.
My plans were to get up early, go for a walk/jog, start my to do list and work on a business plan. And life plan, coz I don't really have much direction with that either.
Went out last night, got back pretty late, I didn't have an alarm set so wasn't up and at 'em early at all.
But it's okay, right? Because I'm actually having a break to de-stress from the awful stressful job I just escaped.
And being pinned to the couch while my kitty naps on me isn't a waste of time, it's "hands-on cat enrichment" and good for my blood pressure and peace of mind.
I'm allowed to avoid asking myself the hard questions like how am I going to earn enough to pay my mortgage, and what do I do if my sister doesn't move back here to start the business with me after all. Those are for later. Way later.
Today is gorgeous. Singlet, shorts and barefoot weather, but cool. Sunny and bright. Soft breeze. It's quiet out there, and in here. Peaceful.
I... am having a tough time right now.
See I have known for a long time I needed to get out of freight, put my brain to work on something my heart can really get behind. And then for years I have plodded on, hating each day but collecting my paycheck and turning up for more of the same. I decided that I wasn't motivated enough to find my true calling while I had such stability, and I sketched out a plan to leave my job later this year, take some time off, and figure it out while a clock was ticking.
Since I moved into the oil & gas field 18 months ago, and since I told my bosses 12 months ago that it was a mistake and I couldn't in good conscience do it any longer since I personally loathe these companies, I have felt a much more urgent need for change. Since going vegan last May, my tolerance for the industry is a hair's breadth from non-existent.
I went back home to NZ for a holiday in January, which I thoroughly enjoyed despite some drama with my Mum, but that's a story for another day. I wasn't ready to come back to reality, and three days back at work, I knew I couldn't do it any more. I resigned that night, giving them extended notice. That notice is up next Friday.
For the first few weeks it still felt a long way away, and I felt a bit bad for leaving, and happy about it, but it was today that it really hit home. Today, due to a lack of computers in my team's area and the availability of a spare on the complete opposite side of the building, I was seated all alone, cut off from the only thing that has kept me going this long - my girls. I really struggled.
That was on top of the coming down from the enthusiastic educator stage of my transition to veganism, I've hit a point where I feel our battle is futile, there's so much violence in the world, everywhere I turn, and I've been wondering what kind of difference I can even make, whether I can make a dent or even a sound. My girls have been so supportive of me, more than I could have hoped for, and here I am leaving them.
I desperately want to live by the saying that the bird on the branch does not fear the branch breaking because she trusts her own wings, but I feel more like a baby bird taking the first leap, finding out the hard way if she's ready. I just don't know.
When my ex was going downhill I would see her pretend that problems didn't exist so she wouldn't have to deal with them. I find myself doing the same. I keep telling myself I'll get to it once I finish up at work but deep down I know I'll find some other excuse then. Why is there no option to hibernate, and wake up to a brave new world when the brutally cold times have passed?
I feel so alone.
I found out yesterday that one of the organizers of the local equal marriage rallies/marches killed herself on Saturday. I found out today that she had long struggled with homelessness due to being kicked out of home and rejecting the rules of the placement services to place her based on her birth gender. I knew nothing of this, and I feel like I should have. I would have stepped up, I would have opened my doors.
See I don't really know why I'm here or what it is that I'm meant to be contributing to the world, but taking in strays feels very natural. As a kid I was always rescuing mice and birds that the cats caught - after taking in the cats themselves - nursing them back to health and happiness if I could. Family is what you make it, I have never believed that blood was thicker than water, I've always wanted a family of strays.
At the same time I am not in a place to foster or adopt a young child, and reaching out, speaking out and making the connections to offer assistance is not my strong suit. Sometimes I have trust issues too, since I feel I am too naive and so swing from one extreme to the other to overcompensate. But gay kids, trans kids, I feel an extra connection to, and if I had known Amber was homeless and the struggles she faced I would have offered. But it's not as though I couldn't have known. She's been outspoken about it, as I found out, articles published and all.
( Read Amber"s StoryCollapse )
"Willful blindness is a legal concept which means if there is information that you could know and you should know, but you somehow manage not to know, the law deems that you are willfully blind - you have chosen not to know." - Margaret Heffernen
Question is: where to go from here?
I heard her chirp which usually means she is ready to come inside, so I went to open the front door. She ran down the driveway past the front door into the carport. She was still making noise so I went out and she was standing on the back of my car. As I walked toward her she leapt from the car to my shoulder (I have been trying to teach her to be a circus cat but usually she will only climb up me from the floor or step down to me from a high place, not leap on me from atop other objects) jumped down behind me, ran across the front yard, climbed the neighbours tree and did this random attack/clawing of the branch, leapt down from the tree and ran over and jumped onto their AC motor where she sat looking at me like I was the weirdo.
Not bad for an old girl. I'll throw her a 10th birthday party next month.
So I've had this song stuck in my head for a few weeks now. Found myself subconsciously singing it while gardening, cleaning the shower, driving -- despite other music being on the radio, etc. Decided yesterday to find out what it was, and see if I could figure out if there was a reason it sticks. What better place to nut it out than
( Pompeii by BastilleCollapse )